Updated: Mar 8
THE BABY IS ASLEEP.
Mama is at work.
I have no idea what to do. I’ll start picking up soon, and I’m sure he’ll wake up. That’s the way it goes. Right now I can only sit.
These things are too beautiful to comprehend.
So much has happened in these past few weeks.
Roland is officially a one-year-old. He still hasn’t taken any steps on his own, but he is babbling up a storm, and it’s the cutest thing we could never imagine.
Oohs and bababas galore, those chubby little cheeks demand that he be called Bubzy at least a couple times each day. We are totally and unfathomably infatuated with our young spawn. He bites his lower lip often, if not both of them. And he has been laughing a different laugh, a sort-of-chuckle that comes when he does something that he thinks is funny, an exhalation attached to a sound and a big, red-faced smile. It’s reminiscent of the belly laugh that came as his first vocal expressions of happiness, but I can really tell he's growing. He thinks things are pretty funny now (like when he gives me my sunglasses to put on), instead of just being tickled to screaming death by everything that makes him laugh.
He mimics us, which is new. He plays a radical mouth horn Louie Armstrong would be proud of. Any sounds that he hears and can try to make, he does. He’s got the hang of “O” and he’s starting to try and get his mouth around “essss”. When he woke up this morning he looked around and said, "Wow". He now takes pleasure in stacking his wood blocks on top of one another, instead of just knocking everything down, though the latter still wins out most of the time. His careful fingers pluck toys from bags and turn pages with more of that beloved grace each day. So many things that I want to remember. So much beauty that I wish I could fully appreciate, and so I write to make a record of the euphoria that fills me up with gratefulness.
The people around me have been incredibly supportive in this journey. I give thanks to all of them. I look optimistically to the future with enthusiasm and determination driving the sacred machine upon which I am still lucky to be riding. I look at Roland and his world is not yet inhibited by the viewpoints of others, or more importantly his idea of those viewpoints. At what age does it happen, the finding of oneself in society? A necessary but lethal transformation that kills away a beautiful innocence that we all were once so familiar with, now at best a blur of fading color like a gemstone sinking away from us down into the water.
But really, the water that renders us blind is inside of us, and our gemstone does not float further away. The water becomes rough, and we become ignorant to the gleaming beauty that each being alive holds inside. Our place in society should not warrant the exchange of our souls for money. It should cherish and enhance, giving the soul room to grow and be fully appreciated.
To leave either piece of the puzzle out of the equation is a crucial mistake: the first piece; the love for yourself and respect for your own vision and dreams, and the second; your ability to be of help to others, and therefore to be a part of the greater community of humanity. I may not be in the majority in thinking so optimistically, but I am not alone. The belief that you must give up your passion to be the most helpful to society is a lie. It is possible to have eternal love for yourself and others simultaneously. This is a cornerstone of what we believe, and will continue to teach our boy.
I want to bask in the calm with my family, before the raging storm inevitably comes to even such an innocent young child as he, as it comes and goes with all of us eventually. Better yet, we will prepare ourselves so well that as the storm comes, and the waters rage, we will keep with us a peacefulness, knowing that with every step we did our absolute best for ourselves and those around us, with utmost love rather than fear, and when the sharks are snapping at the underside of our skiff we will know that it is all part of our journey. We shall not be shaken from our beliefs or from our goals due to the disapproval of the masses. To be defeated and to persevere is the opposite of failure. Success is perseverance.
We will be compassionate, and we will be individuals.
Now it's time to clean.
Wed/Thu Jan 29-30, 2020