The idea for Making It Home started when Roland was still in utero. I created the blog when he was a few months old in order to create some space for myself as the contents of my mind were spilling out with nothing to catch them. Forever I’ve been one of lofty claims, philosophizing on creativity, humanity, love. And now, parenthood.
I believe in the healing power of caring for others. Now that my young seed will inherently adopt my habits, I have been examining those habits more closely than ever before. And it seems that much of how I was raised has held up over time. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s how much I have to learn. But every time I go deeper, I’m more convinced of my original hypothesis: love is the only cure for a disease of the soul.
At the end of our calendar year many people say things like, “Happy Holidays,” and are inspired to give. Why? Doesn’t it feel good? To give is to receive, we hear. Is it true? Does trying to be altruistic bring happiness? If it did, wouldn’t everyone do that?
What brings happiness? That is what we want, right? But is it the only thing we want? What would the world look like if everyone sought only to make themselves happy at the expense of everyone and everything around them? Alfie Kohn raises a fundamental question in his book Unconditional Parenting: is it for happiness that we should teach our children to strive? Or instead, should we highlight the importance of interpreting and responding to the feelings of those around us?
If you ask me (I know no one is asking), we won’t find lasting happiness as long as it’s the only thing we seek. Instead, I think we should allow ourselves to feel our entire range of emotions. Sadness, anger, guilt and shame included. We don't have to identify with them. Our emotions are simply signs, trying to tell us something. Like when we’ve done something wrong, and amends must be made.
We are taken in by the eyes and ears of others, and through their lips and hands we’re made real to ourselves. We can only imagine (inaccurately) what someone else’s reality is like. Sometimes just to imagine such a thing is a magical jump from where we were just a moment ago.
Humankind has been moving slowly away from tribalism, toward compassion and togetherness, regardless of the disharmony that has invariably plagued us. What I mean is that war has declined, and capability for communication has increased. Global conflict resolution is valued at an all-time high. The eastern habits of curating mindfulness through meditation and yoga have reached new corners of the world. As a whole it seems we’ve realized God does little for humans who are oppressed by other humans invoking His name.
Thanks to the internet, we can interact with one another in new ways. We are finding the potential in working together. In the sci-non-fi thriller Lessons for the 21st Century, Yuval Noah Harari implores us to take a look at our morals. He raises the timeless question of free will, bringing to light an interesting point that although we seem to be able to choose our actions, we may not always be in complete control of the emotions which fuel and inspire those actions.
What this means is that in the age of information, big data and biotech companies will gain (already have) the capacity to “hi-jack” our emotions. We see this in its adolescence in strategically placed personalized advertisements. It begs an ethical discussion; one I hope we will all to take part in. If we refuse to discuss our morals as a global society, we will be at the mercy of the ultra-rich, who don’t have a good track record of treating people all that great.
We’re much less likely to be killed by pillagers raiding our village than by our own hand, texting and driving; less likely to die by contagion than by “domestic” abuse (a sinisterly ironic term, there's nothing domestic about it). Almost three million people a year die obesity related deaths, and somehow 9 million people a year still die of hunger. There seem to be difficulties in coming to terms with our place in the timeline of humanity; how secure we are in relation to any other period in history. We live better than any past kings and queens, flushing toilets and running baths. We have instant music players and available power sources, and we get easily upset when they don’t work. Let’s feel some gratitude for everything that’s provided for us! Gratitude is the solution for the unrest of the soul, an unrest that has affected us in surging amounts in proportion to our rising expectations of comfort.
But there’s been a pandemic upon us much more guised than anxiety and depression, and I don’t mean COVID-19. I’m talking about the contradiction at the heart of our country that is understandably (but not justifiably) hard to talk about.
There’s a podcast I’ve come to love produced by NPR called Throughline. Its mission is to “tell the stories of the past to help better understand today.” In one of my favorite episodes, James Baldwin scholar Eddie Gould discusses The Big Lie we tell ourselves as a society. It’s the self-perpetuating fiction that Blacks and all people of color are inferior to Whites, more dangerous and/or less deserving of human rights. It’s easy to say, “I don’t think that way.” But that fails to acknowledge the ongoing nature of our segregated society, a society that if we are White, we benefit unfairly from.
“We have to confront the messiness of who we are, our ghastly failures, in order to release ourselves into being otherwise.”
When we realize things aren’t what we thought they were; when we see we might have been too strong in our assumptions or beliefs; when we find that white supremacy is still very much embedded into the cornerstones of America, it's natural to grow defensive. Angry, even. It hurts to acknowledge that we've been complacent at best in a horrible, murderous system. And this is the crux of our mind-sight, the moment of understanding, when emotion has the potential take over. But we, rational humans, know better. We will analyze our emotions knowing that we don’t become our feelings until we act on them.
The title of this piece, Open-Mindedness For A Brighter Tomorrow, while cringingly cliché, is intended to be universal. To acknowledge where we might be wrong is central to growth as a parent, a citizen, a family, and a society. The other side is not our enemy, it is further insight into the same reality from a different perspective. And the more I learn about history, the more it becomes impossible to ignore race as an element in essentially everything. White people created the lines between races to enslave, torture, and murder black people. As a white man, it’s been easy to ignore, and that’s exactly the point. The system is set up so white people don't easily see the harm in it. And when we do, it's always been easy to ignore. But it’s become clear to me that I can’t be happy personally if I don’t acknowledge the blaring inequalities that remain in our social institutions.
So in this way I’m satisfying a personal need by calling attention to something I think is important. Maybe it’s selfish. I need to say something as an attempt to ease my own mind. But I know that to give and feel love increases our capacity for happiness. It's a choice. If I only care about me, I won’t create an atmosphere of happiness, but one of loneliness. We live for one another, whether we remember it or not.
We all see the world through our own unique lens- a collection of biases we can never be rid of. But to acknowledge them is to notice the vehicle in our psychological blind-spot. To talk about something is the first step towards being able to help, especially in a fight, or if the place is on fire. We should place a high value on each other, and on having calm conversations about the truth.
We can’t turn away from the horrors of the past, the vast ignorance, tragic and violent. We’ve grown in consciousness, and we are still growing. We know that society is founded on a series of overlapping stories- fictions upon which we agree or disagree, right down to the language we speak. To realize these constructs as the merely human creations they are should in some ways liberate us from them. We can think in new ways, find advantages in the working power of the diversity of the human race. I believe each of us have a unique purpose, and the more I learn, the more I’m convinced that that purpose is to be of great and wholesome service to others.
2/3/21